Have you ever felt like nothing is working out and it drains you so badly? Or better still, like you’re not good enough? Well, I have. I felt that way yesterday. It wasn’t because I’d been thinking long enough, it just hit me like an avalanche. Last night, I was talking to a friend about how overwhelming blogging was becoming for me, I’d struck a deal with a friend to post twice daily till the end of the month and I’d get an app. Sometimes, I’d like to think I overreacted by saying yes to that so quickly, I knew it’ll take a lot of effort and timing from me but I told myself I could do it, my friends also thought this made a lot of sense, so why not? I suddenly started working my brains off, trying to post as often as I could and it was rushed sometimes. Writing became sort of a burden for me and I didn’t like the feeling, writing on my blog is something I love because somehow, people get to read my thoughts and when I get feedback, it’s like winning a Grammy, very mind blowing.So I started thinking, this is something I find myself to be good at and I can’t even do it effectively?
I also thought about getting an internship placement, I’ve applied to about 15 companies, no kidding, and still no response. As a computer engineering student, I can’t even code properly. I started thinking about how I want to work at NASA and my recent interest in AI and cyber security but still not doing anything about it. Coming up with excuses like I can’t learn online and the likes. It made me feel there was no point in waiting for the future because I didn’t have abilities for it. No commitment to writing or coding. So the question hit, “What are you living for?” I guess I had suicidal thoughts for a couple of minutes, if I’m being honest lol. I slept it off till this morning, I couldn’t even read my Bible or write in my journal properly. I remember writing “Dear God, please help me.” As supposed to “Dear Daddy/Father” and telling Him all in my mind. Now there’s nothing wrong in Dear God, but writing it made it feel like I was hiding from Him. I wrote like 3 sentences and slept off. This morning as I tuned in to Triumph30 morning devotion, I couldn’t even pray along, I just read the devotional, listened to the prayers and I slept off till around 12 pm. This was around 7 am.
When I woke up, I told myself I wasn’t going to dwell in that state. My faith wavered for a moment and I think it was just okay, enough play for you, buddy. I had earlier posted that I was going to be offline for most parts of the day so I wasn’t online. I decided to study my Bible and cover what I didn’t do yesterday alongside today’s study, Romans 4-16. Spent approximately 4 hours doing that and I’m so pleased, Daddy kept talking to me about how He loves me and how I’m worthy in Him. I feel so much better now, so so much and it’s so amazing how He reassures me of His love anytime I feel down or overwhelmed. I also received a call in between from a friend to apply for internship positions at 2 companies, seeing that I had previously applied to one and I felt not qualified for the other, I did it anyway, with faith. And I know that God is preparing a place for me that I’ve been praying for and it’ll be worth the wait.
This post is just to exhort somebody out there, keep persevering because it forms your character and hope. God’s timing is definitely not like ours, but keep trusting in Him. If you can, don’t let your faith waver like mine but even if it does, don’t for a second think you can’t build your faith anymore. The Lord is ever faithful to us, remain faithful to Him.
I love you and God is so much crazy in love with you ♥️